You might be a conservative if ...

• You know when to say that we must defend democracy and when to say that America is a republic, not a democracy.
• You are worried about "pollution" of the airwaves by naughtiness, but not about pollution of the air by actual pollutants.
• The institution of the family is so sacred to you that you will gladly sacrifice your own family on its altar.
• You accuse liberals of regarding the Ten Commandments as the Ten Suggestions, when that's exactly how you regard the Bill of Rights.
• You do not think that the government should regulate businesses until they try to grant domestic-partner benefits or broadcast Howard Stern.
• You think that the First Amendment protects anti-gay bigotry and nothing else.
• You regard equality as a special privilege, and you think that the way to achieve equal rights, not special rights, is to mandate special rights and to forbid equal rights.
• You think that The Bell Curve is Divinely inspired and inerrant, but you are sure that sexual orientation is a conscious choice.
• You think that modern science cannot be trusted, but that a book of just-so stories that cannot go for the first two chapters without contradicting itself can be.
• You think that anti-gay laws, the Patriot Act, government ownership of liquor stores, and the ballooning of government under Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush are entirely consistent with smaller government.
• You are horrified by the thought that courts could act as super-legislatures, but it's fine by you when legislatures act as super-juries.
• You demand lower taxes, but you live in the sort of low-density, entirely residential outer suburb that is ridiculously expensive for state and local governments to serve.
• You are sure that the United States Constitution was based closely on the Book of Deuteronomy.
• You can believe this since it has never occurred to you to read either.
• You deride liberals for their "tax and spend" mentality, since your "spend and pray for an economic deus ex machina" outlook obviously makes far more sense.
• You are sure that your cherry-picked anecdotal evidence proves far more than does the other side's statistically valid sample.
• You are convinced that equality for people who aren't exactly like you will invariably lead to affirmative action and quotas.
• You don't notice, or pretend not to notice, how often the status quo provides an affirmative-action quota for people like you.
• You excoriate liberals for moral relativism, when you are a factual relativist.
• You believe that we should faithfully follow Scripture on science and on homosexuality, but you believe that the parts about charity must have been "meant for the church back then" or meant to be "interpreted correctly."
• You attack politically correct people, but you don't notice, or pretend not to notice, how much like them you are.