Write your own opinion piece for the LGBT media with the new Write-o-Matic!

Haven't you always wanted to say something to the world in The Advocate, The Washington Blade, or some other LGBT publication? Of course you have. Now, with the new Write-o-Matic and a standard six-sided die, you'll be able to write an opinion piece in no time.

I. Choose a subject.

Throw the die and choose one of the following six subjects:

1. "Not Everyone Is Physically Attracted to Me, and That's Unfair."
2. "Democratic Politicians Are God's Angels on the Earth."
3. "My Identity Group Is the Most Virtuous, yet Most Persecuted in the History of Ever."
4. "Lesbians Can Do No Wrong; Gay Men Can Do No Right."
5. "Bigger Government Is a Panacea."
6. "My Freedom Matters; Yours Is Stupid and Pointless."

II. Choose an information source.

Throw the die again and choose one of the following six information sources:

1. A data set taken under such questionable circumstances that it is worthless
2. A data set cherry-picked to support your desired conclusion
3. One anecdotal example
4. Unfounded speculation
5. Your own amazing powers of clairvoyance and mind-reading
6. Something that's been reverberating in the echo chamber for so long that it just has to be true

III. Choose someone to quote.

A good journalist provides quotes, so throw the die again and choose the person whom you'll quote:

1. Someone who has no special expertise in the subject but who can be counted on to agree with you
2. Someone who has no special expertise in the subject but to whom you owe a favor
3. Someone who fancies her/himself to have special expertise in the subject but who gets it wrong
4. A politician who cannot do anything about the issue
5. A politician who is now taking a position directly contrary to her or his record
6. A random person on Twitter

IV. Choose a product placement.

That politically correct happy talk about anti-capitalism is all very nice, but the bills won't pay themselves, so throw the die again and choose a product or service to plug engage in serious journalism about:

1. A bar, restaurant, or other nightlife spot
2. A counseling service
3. An item of popular culture
4. An item of geek culture
5. A car
6. A wedding service

V. Write.

Now write that opinion piece and become famous. Caveat: Under no circumstances should you express an original thought.

See also:

• Someone actually wrote this: Unbiased samples, how do they work?
• How to write about gay men
• The latest transmission from The Blade to earth (2)

Someone actually wrote this: Unbiased samples, how do they work?

This article about chubby chasers provides a perfect example of how not to research one's topic, although I suppose that the author is ahead of the game by actually researching, when so many others in the LGBT media are content simply to speculate. He describes his data set and the conclusion that he draws:

I have to admit, it’s rare to find a gay guy who happens to be a Chubby Chaser. But trust me when I say they exist. During my research, I perused Craigslist, Grindr and other social apps, and believe me, Chubby Chasers are alive and well, but what saddens me most about the whole thing is that they feel a need to hide. They’d rather have casual sex so they can satisfy a part of their fantasy, while ridding themselves an opportunity to start a relationship (which is what they really want) out of fear of being judged.

So he "perused Craigslist, Grindr and other social apps," and the guys he finds would "rather have casual sex"? Gosh oh golly, I wonder what those two things could possibly have to do with each other.

See also:

What are gay men up to? How not to find out

What are gay men up to? How not to find out (2)