You might be a liberal if ...

(A companion to "You might be a conservative if ...")

• You think that ATM fees are too high and that taxes are too low.
• You think that prosperity is something that politicians can just decree into existence and that some politicians refuse to do so because the plutocrats keep lobbying for poverty.
• You want politicians at the national level to decree prosperity into existence and politicians at the county level to protect you from it.
• You give all of the credit for the 1990’s Clinton and Gore and all of the blame to someone else. You insist that the Clinton-Gore new economy and the dot-com Dutch tulip mania had nothing to do with each other.
• You think that small is beautiful, except in government.
• You regard local home rule as an outmoded, unworkable, and even racist concept, except in the District of Columbia.
• You think that while the point of diversity is to let people of differing viewpoints learn from one another, the way to achieve diversity is to suppress those same differing viewpoints.
• You want to improve our public schools by doing the things that made them a mess in the first place.
• You oppose road construction but support the tax increases proposed to fund that road construction.
• You think that corporations frequently oppress us and are often monopolistic, whereas government never does and never is.
• You consider yourself to be down with the working class, even though you never interact with any actual working-class persons except those whom you are paying to serve you. You regard people less economically fortunate than you as the virtuous working class when they say what you want to hear and evil redneck trailer trash otherwise.
• You think that tax cuts cause deficits in a way that spending increases don’t.
• You are sure that the plutocrats are behind everything bad. You resent that big companies like P&G and HP lobby for anti-gay laws, over the objections of the Joe the Plumbers of the world.
• On those many occasions when a member of the religious right and a member of the P.C. left say exactly the same thing, you have no problem simultaneously disbelieving and believing it.