1. Describe your ideal boyfriend.
A. He has intelligence, integrity, and kindness.
B. He has perfect hair and knows all the latest dance moves.
C. He wears all the same sizes that I do, so I can double my wardrobe on the cheap.
2. When someone says that you look good, how do you respond?
A. "Thank you."
B. "Yes, I know already, duh."
C. "Too bad you don't."
3. What should this country's highest budget priority be?
A. Reducing the debt.
B. Concentration camps for unattractive people.
C. Public affairs ... yawn. Can't we talk about something relevant to our lives, like who wore what to J.R.'s last night?
4. How often do you visit a museum?
A. At least monthly.
B. Like, hello or something. Those places are for geeks.
C. A what?
5. How often do you visit a bar?
A. A what?
B. Every weekend.
C. I qualify for voting residence at J.R.'s.
6. A filthy rich, stunningly gorgeous man wants to take you to his island paradise tonight so you and he can spend the rest of your lives in rapturous love. On the other hand, the dance bar is having a special on those little blue drinks tonight, and all the "kewl doodz" in your apartment building are going. Which do you choose?
A. The man.
B. The drinks.
C. If my favorite TV show is on tonight, then neither.
7. How do you treat people who dance better than you do?
A. I watch their technique and try to learn from them.
B. I comment loudly on their clothes and hair.
C. I try to pick up their boyfriends.
8. How do you treat people who give off more attitude than you do?
A. I avoid them and associate with cheery, positive people instead.
B. I try to pick up their boyfriends.
C. No one gives off more attitude than I do.
9. How do you treat people of an advanced age, e.g., 24?
A. I value them for their maturity and experience.
B. I point and shout, "Ewww! A troll!"
C. I give them the address for the assisted-suicide league.
10. Why are you not concerned about reaching an advanced age, e.g., 24?
A. I have an inner beauty that transcends mere physical youth.
B. I wear baseball caps to hide my thinning, graying hair.
C. Since I can't count that high, I can't even imagine reaching that age.
Scoring: This involves some rather advanced math, so sweet-talk some troll daddy into calculating your score for you. Have him give you no points for each "A" response, one point for each "B" response, and two points for each "C" response. Your total number of points tells you how much of a twink you are.
0-10 points: Troll daddy. Like, duh and stuff—you are totally not a twink. Leave us alone and go back to your boring old grown-up life and your stupid high-paying career.
11-15 points: Twink potential. You are on the right track, but you still have some work to do. Go to the bars more often instead of throwing away your life doing that thing ... what's it called again? ... oh, yeah, reading.
16-20 points: A true twink. All that dancing in front of the mirror at the dance club has led you to true depths of shallowness. Well done! Kewl!
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