Thursday, January 29, 2015

Write your own opinion piece for the LGBT media with the new Write-o-Matic!

Haven't you always wanted to say something to the world in The Advocate, The Washington Blade, or some other LGBT publication? Of course you have. Now, with the new Write-o-Matic and a standard six-sided die, you'll be able to write an opinion piece in no time.

I. Choose a subject.

Throw the die and choose one of the following six subjects:
  1. "Not Everyone Is Physically Attracted to Me, and That's Unfair."
  2. "Democratic Politicians Are God's Angels on the Earth."
  3. "My Identity Group Is the Most Virtuous, yet Most Persecuted in the History of Ever."
  4. "Lesbians Can Do No Wrong; Gay Men Can Do No Right."
  5. "Bigger Government Is a Panacea."
  6. "My Freedom Matters; Yours Is Stupid and Pointless."
II. Choose an information source.

Throw the die again and choose one of the following six information sources:
  1. A data set taken under such questionable circumstances that it is worthless
  2. A data set cherry-picked to support your desired conclusion
  3. One anecdotal example
  4. Unfounded speculation
  5. Your own amazing powers of clairvoyance and mind-reading
  6. Something that's been reverberating in the echo chamber for so long that it just has to be true
III. Choose someone to quote.

A good journalist provides quotes, so throw the die again and choose the person whom you'll quote:
  1. Someone who has no special expertise in the subject but who can be counted on to agree with you
  2. Someone who has no special expertise in the subject but to whom you owe a favor
  3. Someone who fancies her/himself to have special expertise in the subject but who gets it wrong
  4. A politician who cannot do anything about the issue
  5. A politician who is now taking a position directly contrary to her or his record
  6. A random person on Twitter
IV. Choose a product placement.

That politically correct happy talk about anti-capitalism is all very nice, but the bills won't pay themselves, so throw the die again and choose a product or service to plug engage in serious journalism about:
  1. A bar, restaurant, or other nightlife spot
  2. A counseling service
  3. An item of popular culture
  4. An item of geek culture
  5. A car
  6. A wedding service
V. Write.

Now write that opinion piece and become famous. Caveat: Under no circumstances should you express an original thought.

See also:

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