Thursday, July 29, 2010

You might live in Northern Virginia if ...

  • You regard the military as the engine of the economy.
  • You miss sodomy laws.
  • The thought of privatizing the liquor stores horrifies you.
  • Despite the above, you characterize your belief system as anti-government and pro-business.
  • Your cul-de-sac has a state highway number.
  • The major parkway near you does not.
  • You know at least one Ph.D. scientist and at least one young-earth creationist.
  • In a neighborhood a short drive from yours, all of the businesses have signs in a foreign language, most likely Vietnamese, Spanish, or Korean.
  • You think they're doing it just to persecute you.
  • You are dimly aware that the Potomac River is not the edge of the world. Still, you don't feel like pushing your luck by crossing it.
  • You are convinced that the edge of the world just can't be any farther north than Laurel, Maryland. Everything north of that is marked on your mental map with mermaids and sea monsters.
  • You're glad you live in Virginia; it's not full of liberals, as Maryland is. As far as you're concerned, Montgomery County is practically New York City.
  • You're thinking of moving to Stafford County because Prince William County has become just too gosh-darned cosmopolitan.
  • Once you move to Stafford County, you will do everything in your power to turn it into an exact duplicate of the Prince William County neighborhood that you left.
  • You will then move to Spotsylvania County. Lather, rinse, repeat.
  • In your neighborhood are some good Salvadorean, Afghan, Indian, and Thai restaurants. You never go.
  • Across the river from you are some of the finest museums in the world. You never go.
  • You can flawlessly navigate all of the culs-de-sac in your subdivision, but when you're in the city, you cannot begin to imagine how to find the corner of 14th and Q from the corner of 13th and R.
  • Your commute is at least an hour each way. That's just the way the world works. At least you can use that time in the SUV to return phone calls.

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