Thursday, February 24, 2011

All I need to know about life, I learned from the media.

  • In 2154, it will be 2009.
  • Rationalists are ultimately proved wrong. Believers in woo are ultimately proved right.
  • Christianity is Catholicism.
  • ...except insofar as Christianity is backwoods, snake-handling, beyond-Westboro Protestantism.
  • But that doesn't matter, since there are no significant theological differences among Catholicism, the various Protestant denominations, and even Mormonism.
  • Eastern Orthodoxy? What's that?
  • Jews are all Ashkenazim, and their religion is Yiddishkeit rather than Judaism.
  • Adherents of all religions except Judaism and Christianity wear really cool turbans and speak in new-age babble.
  • Whenever something important happens in the United States, it happens in New York.
  • ...which is rather odd, since the entire country is California.
  • If a city has a defining landmark, like the Eiffel Tower or the Washington Monument, everyone's balcony or front porch will have a smashing view of that landmark.
  • Maryland consists only of Baltimore.
  • ...unless we're talking about the need to cut the budget, in which case Baltimore doesn't exist.
  • The person who saves the day will be an "other" (e.g., female, of color, or disabled).
  • If it is a white man, he will be an average slob among rich people or geniuses.
  • If a group of persons save the day, that group will observe a ticket-punching version of diversity.
  • Still, the person or persons who save the day are heterosexual and really hot.
  • Villains are all white and work for a huge, evil corporation.
  • Unlike heroes, villains are diverse in terms of sexual orientation and degree of hotness.
  • When two white men go head to head, the less intelligent or less rich one will win.
  • If a visitor from Mars observed our culture, that visitor would reach conclusions that all agree with the author's prejudices.
  • A line of the Baltimore Metro subway Washington Metrorail serves both Georgetown and the Old Post Office Pavilion.
  • In shows about lesbians, all lesbians are Quinn Morgendorffer.
  • In shows about gay men, all gay men are Quinn Morgendorffer.
  • In shows not specifically about gay men, all gay men are cross-dressing chicken hawks.
  • Men are allowed out only every three days. When a man goes back into seclusion, he immediately shaves. That is why all men whom you see have three-day beards.
  • With one or two narrowly drawn exceptions, the government is always right.
  • The military and the government are distinct. How that works is something that you will have to figure out for yourself.
  • All sheriffs speak with Southern accents, even in states like Wisconsin.
  • People of good will who have the facts invariably agree with the author on everything.
  • All high-school students are in their early thirties.
  • Their parents are in their late thirties.
  • You can always find a parking space right in front of the downtown building where you need to be.
  • In 2267, it will be 1967.

1 comment:

Kashiko said...

Some of these I didn't get, and some I think I get but I'm not sure if I really get them, but I still lol'd. XD