Fabulous queer dating tip #27: Demand that he respond to your message right now.

Whenever you message him, you are entitled to an instantaneous reply. No one ever has anything else going on, least of all work or sleep, and everyone spends all day in front of his computer or at worst checking his smartphone, right? If he tells you otherwise, he is obviously lying, and you should become manipulative or just plain nasty.

Fabulous queer dating tip #26: Tell one thing, but show another.

Telling an obvious lie about your age or body shape is standard, but it doesn't end there. If you want to impress him with your wealth, take him to Burger King, and then argue with him over whether he gets to order dessert. Better yet, stiff him with the bill. If you want him to know what a genius you are, consistently misspell that word. Claim to be an expert on a certain topic, and then get basic facts wrong; if he asks you a simple question about that topic, change the subject. Yes, I've seen all of these things happen.

Fabulous queer dating tip #25: Don't learn from experience.

What's that thing called when you keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time? Oh, yeah ... the dating game. Keep doing whatever screwed up all of your previous relationships, whether it's stalking guys who are clearly not even what you want, being a whiny manipulator, or trying to turn your boyfriends into something they're not. After all, all of your failed dysfunctional relationships have one thing in common, and it plainly isn't you, so surely the bad juju will wear off eventually.

Fabulous queer dating tip #24: Once you've fouled your own nest, try to find a new one.

If you've faithfully followed the all too common dating protocol, you may well have unaccountably developed an entirely undeserved reputation for being an emotionally unstable drama queen. Let's look at some ways in which people have tried to overcome this problem.

1. Abruptly move to a larger metropolitan area. While I've known people to do so, it isn't for everyone. Some people are actually saddled with totally not kewl things like careers and home ownership. Also, if you've managed to pick up a stalker, he may get the same idea (I've seen it happen).

2. Start a new online profile. Get a completely different user I.D., and change your stats enough to avoid detection. It's not as though anyone expected stats in online profiles to be anything but bald-faced lies. This is bound to work, but only until someone asks to trade pictures with you.

3. Start running with a new crowd. Become involved in a different organization, change your church membership, or go to different bars. But since LGBT communities can be like small towns, in which everyone is constantly in everyone else's business, this will work only so long.

4. Live the life of a hermit until everyone has forgotten you. This one may actually work. The drawback is that it will give you time to ponder your past mistakes, something that you must under no circumstances ever do.

Fabulous queer dating tip #23: If it's 1:15, you must be back together.

After that drama-filled breakup, do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage, against the very situation into which you've chosen to put yourself. After having done everything in your power to alienate him, beg him to take you back; if nothing else, your mutual friends can use the entertainment. If you and he used to be one of the power couples in your community, try to get him to appear with you at public functions. You need to maintain your appearance as the god-emperor of the hypocrites a responsible member of the community.

Fabulous queer dating tip #22: Don't go away mad. Don't just go away, either.

Sadly, but all too often, you realize that your relationship was just not meant to be and that you and he will not live happily ever after. It's time for both of you to cut your losses and go your separate ways, preferably on amicable terms.

What, and miss out on all that drama?

Make it clear that whatever your differences, you're not going anywhere. Stick around and constantly criticize him for the things that broke up your relationship, even the things that cannot conceivably be his fault. That's sure to smooth things over.

Of course, the above should not be confused with trying to make the relationship work again. Trying to make the relationship work again, like everything else, is just not your responsibility.

Fabulous queer dating tip #21: Your love should go like a step function.

Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, and instantly you "know" that he is "the one." Then, once you've moved heaven and earth to establish the relationship that you just knew would make your life complete, you should fall out of love just as quickly and just as pointlessly as you fell in love. Nothing says, "emotionally stable" and "ready for a long-term commitment" quite like that.

(Cynical? Moi? What gave anyone that idea?)

Fabulous queer dating tip #20: It's all his fault.

If you're having an affair, make him feel paranoid for thinking that you might possibly be doing what you are in fact doing. Once the truth comes out, say that he somehow drove you to it. For instance, if you have an affair while your partner is in university, then the fault obviously lies with his choice of university, since otherwise you would never have met your new honey, right? No, I am not making that up.

Fabulous queer dating tip #19: The two shall become one, and you are that one.

Faithfully adhere to the self-evident truth that the relationship is always all about you, you, you. Tell everyone on your boyfriend's behalf what he thinks, wants, and does. Heck, tell him. Of course, it always coincides perfectly with what's convenient for you.

Naturally, he cannot possibly have any goal in life loftier than pleasing you, so be sure to extract concessions from him in terms of his career and (if he's still young enough) his education. Once those concessions become irremediable, you can think about dumping him for someone even more compliant.

Fabulous queer dating tip #18: Talk, but don't communicate.

Learn to chatter for hours on end without actually saying anything. When he asks you a question, ignore it. If you can't ignore it, give a stock non-answer like "You just don't get it, do you?" or "If you have to ask, there's no point in my telling you." If the topic is vitally important to the relationship or to him personally, brush aside the question with "That's none of your business." The last is especially appropriate if he's caught you snooping in something that's undeniably none of your business.

Fabulous queer dating tip #17: Make him damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Badger him into talking to you. As soon as he starts, interrupt. When he complains, say that he never says anything of interest to you anyway. When he clams up, go back to badgering him into talking to you.

In terms of sex, accuse him of never wanting to try anything new. When he does try something new, tell him how much his kinkiness grosses you out.

Call him a rube from the foothills for not wanting to try different restaurants. When he suggests that you go, tell him that by dragging you to different restaurants, he's keeping you fat.

Fabulous queer dating tip #16: Talk to him. And talk. And talk. And talk.

Relationships are all about communication, so be sure to communicate to him non-stop. Whether the subject is of even the remotest interest or use to him is beside the point; it matters to you, and that's all that counts. It's a good way to introduce him to that other great love of your life, the sound of your own voice.

If you've ever seen the episode of Daria in which Quinn spends several hours on the phone to her boyfriend, babbling about fashion and boring him to tears, you know what to do. Actually, Quinn Morgendorffer is a good role model in most areas of life.

Fabulous queer dating tip #15: Become an emotional limpet.

Once you're dating seriously, you should completely forget how you got along without him. Insist that he spend every waking moment giving you his undivided attention. Don't suggest things to do together; instead, make him come up with suggestions, and then veto each one. A relationship is an emotional give-and-take; he should give, and you should take.

Fabulous queer dating tip #14: Bait and switch.

Pretend to be something that you're not in order to get his attention, and then, once you have him in your talons, abandon the pretense. Once you and he have planned all of those things that you were going to do together, tell him how utterly boring you find them and that you have to do something else entirely. Stop being pleasant, and revert to your normal psycho bipolar self. If you were an exclusive bottom, suddenly become an exclusive top, or vice versa. In short, be the evil twin of the person with whom he fell in love.

Fabulous queer dating tip #13: Once you've found someone who is perfect in every way, try to change him.

If you manage to snag that man with several degrees in a discipline whose name you can't even pronounce, insist that he dumb it down. If your beau is a party vegetable, get him to spend his Saturday nights watching TV with you; if he's a homebody, drag him out to the white, green, fuchsia, and pin-striped parties. If he's vanilla, try to get him into kink; if he's kinky, read him the riot act about how horribly politically incorrect kink is.

This works only one way, of course. If he ever makes even the mildest suggestion, accuse him of trying to make you into something you're not.

Fabulous queer dating tip #12: Look for reasons to be offended.

Ask questions to which any conceivable answer can be construed as wrong; the triumvirate of sex, politics, and religion will work well here. Also, ask questions about his work or education, and when he answers honestly, accuse him of trying to impress you. (By the way, this is the one exception to the gay male taboo against discussing work or education, so make it count.) If it's a dinner date, take exception to the food that he orders, and accuse him of being either too bossy or not bossy enough to the waitstaff. Nothing cuts the ice like constantly putting him on the defensive.

Fabulous queer dating tip #11: Try to manipulate someone into a relationship.

If it works, you're with someone who is with you only because you've manipulated him into it. If it doesn't, you gain a reputation as a manipulative head case. What do you mean, you don't want either of those outcomes? Of course you do.

Here's a particularly good tactic. Let's say you're after someone who has had a previous relationship with someone whom we'll call Ralph. Tell him that if he doesn't take up with you, he'll go through life with another Ralph and another Ralph and another Ralph. He's likely to respond that Ralph used the same line, so be prepared to change the subject immediately.

Fabulous queer dating tip #10: Make him feel like second best

Tell him in detail about the guy on whom you have a huge crush. When you're at a restaurant, cruise other men over his shoulder. When he asks what you like about him, either become evasive or give some sort of answer like accessibility. What could be more romantic than being made to feel like the relationship equivalent of a safety school?

Fabulous queer dating tip #9: If at first you don't succeed, be a sore loser.

Let's say that he rejects your advances. I have no idea why anyone would, but let's just say he does. Since stalking isn't for everyone, an alternative is to be a big baby about it. One possibility is to shower him with insults; who has ever failed to respond favorably to that? Another is to play the race card or, more generally, to suggest that not being attracted to you is a moral failure. Never mind that you're not attracted to everyone else; everyone else still has a moral duty to be attracted to you. If that doesn't make sense to people, then their failure to grasp it is another moral failure. See how it works? After all, they should look past appearances to the inner you; no, you should not consider the possibility that the inner you is what drives them away.

Fabulous queer dating tip #8: Don't make him feel special.

No one wants to be made to feel special; talk like that is for those dreadful daytime TV shows you watched while snowed in. When first meeting someone, use a corny canned pickup line; if that's too smooth, just make a blunt sexual proposition. Don't ask him any questions to get to know him beyond his age and how often he works out. If he volunteers any information about himself beyond those two vitally important data points, interrupt.

Better yet, you should be the one to tell him the details of his life. What's a lifetime of first-hand knowledge compared to wild speculation based on first sight?